Of Marauders and Squids
by upperleadworth
Summary: An overheard conversation in the Three Broomsticks leads to Remus swearing revenge and the Giant Squid being Wingardium Leviosad. A completely normal day for the Marauders, isn't it? T for language.


_AN- Quick little humor oneshot. This is based on an event in my story, "The Marauders' Notes," but reading it is not necessary to enjoy this. Enjoy! Oh, and I don't own any of the characters. _

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Remus Lupin, Third Year Gryffindor at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, werewolf, and Marauder, was enjoying Hogsmeade. He and his best friends, Sirius, James, and Peter, were having Butterbeer at the Leaky Cauldron, and chatting about the usual subjects.

"You're afraid of Evans, Sirius? Lily Evans?" Peter asked, laughing.

"Hey everyone, Sirius Black is afraid of Li-" James started, but before he could finish, Sirius's hand had covered James's mouth.

"Shut up!" Sirius snapped, glaring, "Or I'll tell everyone that you fancy her and want to have a son or daughter named Elvendork. And before you say it, I know it's unisex."

"You wouldn't dare." Remus couldn't help but laugh at his friends' arguing. Of course, Sirius's statement was true, but everyone knew that James fancied Lily Evans already- even Lily herself. This gave Lily an excuse to hate James even more than she already did.

"Remus John Lupin, stop laughing at us!" Sirius snapped. Sirius was rarely ever serious, but when Sirius was serious, you knew you had to comply with Sirius, because no one wants a serious Sirius as an enemy. Remus, of course, did not stop.

"I'll kill you!" Sirius yelled.

Across the pub, where Remus was listening instead of to Sirius, Remus heard the conversation between the Head Boy, a Slytherin named Lucius Malfoy, and his girlfriend, Sirius's cousin Narcissa.

"Cissa, what are your cousin and his idiotic friends talking about?" Lucius asked.

"Why would I care? They associate themselves with Mudbloods like that Lily Evans girl who Snape likes so much and don't think that werewolves are the beasts they are. At Reggie's birthday last July, I swear I heard him reading a letter to Lupin aloud, something about how the full moon went. They're worse than those _Weasleys, _in my opinion." Narcissa replied, but Remus was getting angry.

"What's got you so frustrated, mate?" Peter asked upon seeing Remus's face.

"That… bastard… bitch… arse… kill them…." Remus muttered. His friends were used to his habit of cursing when he was angry, but never death threats.

"Remus, who did what, and why are you going as far as-" James started.

"Then I'll hang their bloody corpses by their intestines for an escaped hippogriff to eat."

Sirius and Peter, who had been listening for Remus's entire threat, had looks of utter terror on their faces. James, who had only heard the end, looked a bit sick himself.

"Rem, who did what?" Sirius asked, shaking off his fear.

"Your cousin and Lucy- I mean Lucy-boy- I mean Lucifer- I mean Lucius. They said that you we are filth, and so are Lily and the Weasleys, you know, the Prewett twins' in-laws?" Remus said, calming down but still possessing a dark look to him.

"I'll help murdering them, then!" Sirius said happily.

"One of you is going to be sent to prison for murder someday, I just know it." Peter said, still looking a bit terrified from Remus's death threat.

"Lucy and Cissy are having a picnic at the lake tonight." Sirius stated dully, as if the mention of the couple had jogged his memory of this event.

"And you know this because?" asked James. Sirius _never_ interacted with his cousins.

"I overheard Cissy planning the exact date, time, and location of every date she and Lucius will ever go on over the summer."

"She's rather obsessive." Peter said.

"I have an idea!" Remus yelled, loud enough for the whole pub to hear. Every person there stared at him for a moment, and then got back to their business.

"What's your idea, Remus?" Sirius asked. Remus's ideas were usually rather genius, every Marauder knew that. In fact, every Gryffindor knew that. No, every student at Hogwarts knew that.

"Well…."

That night, Remus, James, Sirius, and Peter were under James's Invisibility Cloak, ready to sneak out.

"My ideas are usually better, Remus." James whispered.

"_No,_ they aren't." the others chorused. Remus felt very happy that at least two of his friends knew that he was the most intelligent.

"I feel so lonely, being the only one who agrees with me."

"Well of course you agree with yourself, how could you not?"

"I _may_ be having internal conflict."

"I sincerely doubt that."

"Oh come on!"

"Let's get to the plan!"

"Peter's right. James, Sirius, you are in charge of the Levitation. You have to make it powerful. Just- you know what; I'm going to save the sappy Professor rubbish for later. Peter, you and I are going to do the glamour charms."

"Got it."

The group walked out of the castle and towards the Black Lake, where, as planned, Lucius and Narcissa were enjoying their completely-allowed-because-one-of-them-is-a-Head-Student nighttime picnic. Sirius was humming a song rather loudly, but silenced by James.

"Seriously?"

"My middle name is _Orion_, thank you very much."

"Just cast the bloody spell!"

Sirius and James complied, and a Giant Squid, named the Giant Squid (or Alfred by Peter, but anyways,) flew out of the water. Sirius and James were keeping it up with all of their strength, and Lucius looked a bit shocked. Narcissa was staying completely calm, as if the Giant Squid/Alfred flew every day.

"Ready Pete?"

A jet of light burst out of Peter's wand, landing directly on target- the couples' heads. Lucius's long, blond hair was sticking straight up and violently red, and Narcissa's also long, blond hair had become bushy beyond control and scarlet.

"Make the Squid pick 'em up!" Remus said to his friends.

Sirius and James moved Alfred towards the angry couple, and lifted them up into the sky. Remus and Peter added their spells, and were enjoying themselves. After a few leisurely minutes of making Alfred do flips, the Marauders decided to stop.

"We should go in so they don't get suspicious… and they already are. Run!" Remus said, a note of panic entering his voice.

Remus, Peter, Sirius, and James ran into the school, through corridors, and to a portrait, where James said the password. They entered the Gryffindor Common Room, where a group of people, namely Lily Evans and Frank Longbottom, were staring at them.

"What did _Potter_ do?" Lily asked, pure dislike ringing in her voice at the mention of James.

"It was me, Lily. Not James. I wanted revenge."

"Remus, you can't keep covering for your friends. We all know it was Potter or Black."

"Actually, Lily, Remus comes up with most of the ideas." Frank chimed in. "I was worried about you, mates. What did you do?"

"We'll explain in the dormitory. Evans, I do not trust you." Sirius said seriously.

"_He's scared of you."_ Peter mouthed.

"_Good" _Lily mouthed back.

Lily walked back to her dormitory, muttering, and the boys walked to theirs, explaining the whole day- minus the werewolf comments, of course. Frank didn't know.

"So you levitated Alfred? Cool!"

That night, Sirius went back to humming his song, James went back to his dreams of baby Elvendork, Peter stayed like whatever Peter was, and Remus felt incredibly devious and amazing. All was well.

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_AN- And then they died, the end. :) Stupid Lily, blaming James for everything that's wrong in the word. So, what did you think? Anything I could improve on? Leave it in a review!_

_~Blue_


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